Mass panic is spreading after a well-known supermarket chain declared that unless their customers buy more Aubergines by 13th February, innocent Aubergines would suffer.
This is the first time that terrorism has been enacted by this Supermarket chain who say they have been forced into this position by the underhand tactics of their competitors and the increasing disloyalty of their loyalty card holders. Many customers are now habitually carrying four or five loyalty cards as well as frequenting discount chains where they may purchase goods in an untraceable manner.
This latest escalation has been broadly condemned by at least the three traditional high street grocers that we managed to find for comment, who say they that “the 13th looks like it’s going to be unlucky for some” and are preparing themselves for a St Valentine’s Day massacre.
Stay tuned… Keep it fresh… we’ll bring you more news as we hear it
Out of Season
The Aubergine is not normally grown in UK outside of May to September and the force-feeding of Equitorially-sourced Aubergines is seen by some as unnatural. Those without Aubergines are being looked at suspiciously.
An unnamed woman on an underground train, age 36, told our spokesperson earlier today “I had no reason to feel guilty having bought several Aubergines during my lunch break… but I had left them in my office. It was awkward not to be seen to be supporting these victims… and I felt I was being judged”.
Badges of Honour
The Supermarket has upped the stakes today by producing a lapel pin for its customers who comply with its demands for more Aubergines to be purchased. Customers wearing the lapel pin can escape from the suspicion some of them are coming under by displaying this symbol which shows that they are doing their part.
The lapel pins are made of tin and are in the shape of an aubergine.
Angry at the zombie-like compliance of the population who are now buying Aubergines in droves a group of stalwart shoppers are proclaiming counter-measures with their slogan “Pick Your Own”. They are appealing to the populace not to cave in to the propaganda about the imported aubergine and instead save their cash to buy the home-grown traditional British Strawberry when it comes into season this summer.
The organisers of the opposing lobby group have started wearing black armbands depicting the heart-shaped cut-in-half strawberry in a white circle.
In order to regain visual ground the Pro-Aubergine lobby has launched a flag:
The flag has a green field and a purple pattern (with a green crown) designed in the shape of an Aubergine. Experts analysing the flag say that it is strong in illustrative technique but poor as a flag design and are predicting that the flag will need to be brought up to standard if it is to be used as part of this long campaign.
Meanwhile The Supermarket has issued a statement claiming that they have been misrepresented by the media. They claim that the intention was to offer help to the aubergines who would otherwise be at risk of languishing on the shelf. The spokesperson said further that the aubergines are looked after well in special facilities and that any misfortune that and aubergine might have can only be after they have left The Supermarket’s system.
Arrangements are being made to inspect these special facilities by the neutral organisation the Veg Cross.